I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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