Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize