He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize