I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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