Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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