Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
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I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
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someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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