When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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