i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
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I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
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I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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