the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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