I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
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there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
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You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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