I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
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The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
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STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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