my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
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I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
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And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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