puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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