today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize