Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
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It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
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You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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