Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
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It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
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HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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