I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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