hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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