halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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