I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize