Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
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You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
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