Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
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He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
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The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
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