He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize