I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
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it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
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The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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