I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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