Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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