I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
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I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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