Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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