Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
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My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
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You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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