i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
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If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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