I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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