Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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