i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize