Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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