I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
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The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
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They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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