He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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