this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
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Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
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I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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