I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
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I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
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Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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