she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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