he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
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I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
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I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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