mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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