i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
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i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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