u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
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You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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