If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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