i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
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When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
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I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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