I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
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He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
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And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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