so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
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She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
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That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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