Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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