Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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