You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
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Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
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The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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